Why it is so hard for me to engage with movies
Warning, this is a heavier blog post. I should start tagging these as like.. Vent.. Personal..?
I don't do Discord watch parties well.
I don't actively partake in stream chats well either.
It's hard for me to watch any movie or animation that slightly interests me.
If you've had me join your watch parties I'm sure it's obvious that I become disengaged sometimes.
I know I don't need to explain myself, but I feel like writing this might make me feel better about why I feel so reluctant to join weekly watch parties. Why I can flat-out-ignore/ghost messages about a movie. This is an entry that's usually reserved for my journal, but because it's a community aspect I want to share with others to understand where I am coming from. Maybe other people might have similar experiences.
Before I get into my Trauma:tm:, This is not to say I hate movies or group gatherings. I'm grateful that people thought to invite me, but it takes an enormous amount mental preparation to become engaged with an unfamiliar story for 1-3 hours. I'm also learning that I should probably look up content warnings as well.
In my teenage years (2010s), my mother would always take me and my siblings down to the movie theaters or the living room to watch a lengthy movie. Call it "family time." She would drag me out to the movie theater to see the latest Avengers Marvel movie. The latest Adam Sandler movie. Whatever the fuck was out. I hated every moment of it. I wasn't allowed to hang out with friends from school. I wasn't allowed to work on art. I'd be dragged out of my bedroom to some crummy live-action film with American violence, guns, and sex scenes to watch for "family time."
Since when was family time involved watching a screen in silence?
Whenever I shared a Disney or Dreamworks animated movie I was slightly interested in, she refused. Because why would she watch something that's for kids?
Not to mention the introduction of binge-watching thanks to streaming services.
Currently, I am trying to figure out how I can redeem this. Me and my partner have an on-going Legend of Korra watch-through, but it's taking us literal months. Even though I've seen the series in full before and have even said "Season 3 is a really cool one," it still takes me weeks to gather up the mental capacity to sit down and say "Okay, let's watch." And that's if I even have any spoons at all.
I'm not sure what the answer is. Maybe it's to say "no" more to a synopsis that aren't that interesting to me? Is that selfish, though? I end up saying "no" to a lot of things. Is it to be honest? Unsure.
Unrelated, but recently I also came to a realization that I might have undiagnosed ADHD. I have talked to my therapist this morning and we assessed a bit. It's a high chance lol. Maybe more will come from that in the future.