grieving art school
In the past couple of weeks, I have been slowly reintroducing myself to the art and animation industry. Now that I think about it, might be because indie animation is on the rise and I am seeing more of it online. I am also finding that I don't want to run an online store (More on that in the future if it comes up again).
I'm starting to do a bit more research on the current state of things, updating my resume to fit Production Assistant positions, and slowly watching more short films on YouTube. During my browsing I come across a pretty well known YouTube channel: ToonZee Animation. Their short film was recommended on my page, and I remember enjoying their animation memes back in the day. I browse their channel, and upon viewing I see something that catches my eye.
Four short animations, each about 13-18 seconds long: Playing tennis, a carnival, standing up from a chair, putting on shoes and boots... Wait... This looks like the same assignments I've done in my classes...
I do further digging (because I am pretty good at it) and I find their artist website. Azusa Pacific University... Not the same school I went to, but that's neat. I dig a little more and sure enough, my old animation professor's name was in the credits of her short film. I had a moment of joy, then shock, then I started to reflect on my own art college experience. Then I felt sad.
As many college experiences go, I had so much social anxiety when it came to meeting people and trying to make friends. It was my first time truly alone and a real chance at making my own friends. Every club meeting and event I went to felt difficult. I hid at home and played a lot of video games (infamously, Splatoon 2). It wasn't until Fall 2019 I decided to ramp up my efforts and really go out of my comfort zone. It went fairly ok!
The following semester, Spring 2020, I was getting real serious and ready to attend all the events and meetings. Even if I didn't want to go, I wanted to push myself more!
Then the pandemic hit.
Everything came to a halt. And while nobody I knew was ill (thankfully), I couldn't help but grieve.
The social skills and life I had worked so hard to build came crumbling down and I began to play video games more than ever before. I found community in the Splatoon 2 competitive scene and sank further. School was no longer my priority. Sure there were Discord events for the clubs, but I felt so alienated online. I didn't put in the effort.
By the time we went back to in-person classes in Fall 2021, everyone that I knew already graduated. It was very isolating, more than I felt pre-pandemic. I attended my final semester not knowing anyone. Of course I could've made new friends with classmates, but everyone had their circles from online. I wasn't brave enough to reach out.
When I enrolled in my school, the animation program was on it's way downward. Students weren't getting the classes they needed to graduate, the curriculum format kept changing, there were too many fundamental classes and GE classes, and it took most students 5 years or more to graduate. Every year there was mandatory consultation to meet with a professor to make sure we were on track to getting the classes we needed and training in the disipline we were interested in. Every meeting was met with a professor frustrated at the Head of Arts department and way things were headed.
By the time I had graduated, the head professors that were keeping the Animation/Illustration program together had left. One of those professors was the name I saw in ToonZee's credits. I was glad the professor has a new teaching job, he was very good at it and he passionate about what he does. I had a lot of respect for the professors at my school.
I have this really embarrassing moment where I was at an all-time low and I cried in that professor's office. My medical mask was sopping wet from my tears and snot. I don't know if he'll remember me as one of the many students that cried in his office. Probably for the best he didn't.
In my reintroduction to the animation world, I found a budding animator with the same animation prompts I had in school. And I can't help but grieve my own art school experience.
I don't want these negative feelings to get to me. I've done too much crying over art school.
What I could've done differently. Where else I could've gone, had I put in the effort and confidence.
What could have been.
Yet, I will learn from this and move forward. Move forward, reigniting my curiosity for the art world.
The curiosity I've always had.
To anyone out there, thank you for reading ;; In case anyone is curious, this is the demo reel from my time in school.
Here is my public demo reel (which I haven't updated since 2023... It's real old and I want to brush it up real bad).