I’m depressed and maybe that’s okay
I’m an introvert to a fault. It’s difficult for me to keep up with friends. Especially in moments like this when I want to shut out the world and ignore anything not urgent. I’m sorry to all the people I ghosted. I’m a weird one to communicate with and it feels like you have to pull teeth just to hear from me.
It feels like I’ve been on “go” mode for a long while. With everything happening in the world I should give myself more grace for feeling unmotivated, right?
I had dreams and plans to create stationery for my online store. However, with the orange man in office having the government not being able to make up their stupid little minds on tariffs, it feels like a lost cause and a stupid dream. I know it’s not stupid to dream, but every single accomplishment in my life feels so belittled by the world. I graduated college during the pandemic and into a time where jobs refuse to use human eyes for resumes. When the animation industry began to collapse to corporate greed and very wrong ideas. Ideas such as; “this film doesn’t need a lesson, people just need to be entertained,” or, “If it doesn’t make money and go viral within 2 episodes we’re canceling this show only 1 season in.”
I want to do more, I wish to do more, but the world keeps blocking me from what I want. I don’t know how to get it. I am very ambitious with all of the things I wish to do, but none of it ever comes into fruition. And that is my own fault. I know I should keep trying but I’m so mentally exhausted.
I did read somewhere that this is a tactic. They overwhelm you with constant changes and news so that you feel frozen to take action. I don’t want that to happen to me, but I am feeling that right now. I’m probably taking a long time to process this many changes. I don’t want it to discourage me though.
How am I to make a living off my art? There’s many different avenues and I keep reaching these points of uncertainty. The first step is that I have to love creating art again. I’m trying to get back into that by near-daily figure drawing sessions. Something to warm my pencil back up with and make marks on the page. I can’t come up with anything creative in my mind because I am so bogged down by the world. All I can do is look at references for inspiration and practice in the meantime.
Shortly after posting this blog (and a walk outdoors), I made this spread in my journal:
stickers by the wonderful thanksxu
I haven't been using stickers in my daily entries lately because I have been enjoying drawing in my journal, but today felt appropriate to play around with stickers. That's when I realized why I want to keep the online art shop running so badly. Here is what I wrote on the left page:
"Do I really have what it takes???
The answer is probably no. But what makes people stand out is that they try anyways. And goddamnit I wish that were me. It's still never too late to start but gosh I am overwhelmed. I could get by with selling stickers only. Still quite the investment, but it's what brings me joy-- stickers spark that little light in me. It's a way to interact with art.
I suppose that's why I want to do it so badly. I want it to work out. Also looking at this spread! Makes me very happy! waugh... Maybe I don't plan what to create? Maybe I just go along with what my brain would like to make in the meantime. Forcing myself is exhausting. It's why school drained me. I think? Well, it's one reason."